Pondering my life last night, I realised that, plotted on a graph, my last few years look suspiciously like a roller-coaster.
- March 2014: off to realise a dream!
- By June that year: pretty nearly wrecked, having lost 20 pounds and half my hair, wondering if I would lose my mind before I was done…
- In 2015, I was in a better situation and rebuilding my life. Not perfect, but definitely an upward curve.
- In June this year I was happily touring western Washington state to determine if I could move to my beloved Pacific Northwest!
- Then, the first week of July, I learned that my job would disappear at the end of September.
The last few weeks have been nice condensed version of that graph.
There was some hope that I would be the best fit for one of the new jobs on my team. But alas.
The stress and chaos of getting everything done at my soon-to-be-former job was starting to ease though, and I was beginning to have a little time to focus on the future. I could feel a nice plateau coming. Not at the height I’d have preferred it, true, but still a bit of calm.
Just days (it feels like moments) before the end of my job, I was approached about a possible consultancy job!
The kind of job that, had it come up before all of this chaos, I would gladly have taken a leave of absence just to do. One of those dream-come-true jobs, working with a team that I love and respect, on a project that uses all my favourite strengths, for a purpose about which I care passionately.
(You knew there was a BUT, didn’t you? How else to keep the roller coaster going?)
My company has this policy that if you actually do get laid off, you can’t work for any part of our organization for a year afterwards. And the new job is with another part of my organisation.
It’s not the first time that I’ve not been thrilled about this policy, but this new episode is a lot more immediate, and personal.
The dreadful policy recently got changed I am told: now it’s only 6 months! And that is great news for the future.
But asking someone who wants to hire you NOW to sit around for 6 months until you can get back to them isn’t all that terribly comfortable.
So I’ve spent the last week bouncing back and forth with our HR people about whether we can arrange this as a short-term contract and find some way to make it work before my actual separation date one week from today.
If we can’t make that work, then I won’t be able to take the dream job.
It’s as simple as that.
So, once, again, I had to debate: Will I really trust God no matter what?
Will I trust God if my dream job is not only out there, but presented to me, and because of a rule that I don’t understand or respect, I can’t take it?
Well, in short, yes.
Because I’ve reached a pinnacle of pristine and sterling faith? Oh no. FAR from that.
But, I have spent the last year rebuilding my badly damaged faith. It’s been a hard path, but I have learned a lot walking it. In the end, God either is, or is not. Merits my trust, or does not.
And I can’t decide that based on how much I like my current circumstances.
I will be heartbroken if this opportunity is snatched away. But, I expect I’ll live through it.
And either way, I will trust.
It’s not much, in the testaments of faith spectrum; it’s not like I’m facing the lions here. But it’s a start.